In the past month (with a tail of 12 days), I`ve had a lot of sleepless nights. I`ve also had a lot of blank staring out of the window, thinking what I really want and what I really want to be/become. I`ve had some dreams shattered, but from those dark red bricks of which the old ones were made, I now have constructed some new ones. If one thinks of a person as of a city, well, I was a bombed city. Still alive and going, but a lot of those buildings were in pieces next to my feet. Now those buildings are reconstructed, unnecessary ones have been kicked down completely and their ruins have been swept away and new ones have been built. A lot of new ones.
The thing is that I think that for some time I was pretending to be someone, who I wasn`t. Someone, who people expected me to be. But every story has to end. And after I had understood, that I couldn`t be anymore who I was, I had to search for a new one. Start building. But I couldn`t do it, til I hadn`t a solid substructure. And now I think that I know, who I want to be and what I want to accomplish.
It was a bit sad to tear down the old building of me. It was with a lot of towers, with creamy walls, flags fluttering in the sky. But it was pretty cold and it felt like it wasn`t right for me. Like I was in a golden cage. And it was hard to break it down, because not only I was afraid of what I`ll do next and what will happen, but also of letting go of some people. Because I had thought, that they were my friends, but the reality turned out to be a bit different.
Now it`s all gone. It`s kind of bittersweet. To look back at all of my life and finally understand what a fool I had been, why had I done that and that and remembering that something, that means almost nothing now, then meant the world to me. And I`ve been foolish, childish, ignoring what I wanted and instead listening to what other people told me I had to do. And it has been my greatest mistake - not understanding, that I am the only person, who can make myself happy. Let myself be happy. Happiness is what begins from yourself and if one can`t see that, then no amount money will make you feel that way.
Though there is no castle anymore, there is a house. It`s a warm, small house, smelling of pines and sea and I feel finally feel happy there.