Friday, September 24, 2010

the telegraph cables hum.

I think that I`ve reached my lowest point this year. I mean, mentally.
Do you know the feeling when everything`s getting out of control and you can`t help it? Everything you care about is slowly drifting away? That`s the one. And I don`t really know whether it`s me drifting away or my friend (and I don`t think that it really actually even matters), the fact is that I don`t know what or how or when. I don`t know the answer. And now I`m loosing my friend. And I can do nothing about it. I know, I know, this happens everyday to millions of people all over the world, but when you`ve been friends for so long, been through so much together and share so much, it sucks to understand that the grand final is here. Like in a theatre, watching a play. And I`m the one sitting in the front row, watching myself through these years and trying to understand when did everything become such a mess. When and where did the ending start.
I guess we just grew into different ways, made different decisions, chose different things, dreamt different dreams.
I wish I was a kid again. Life was complicated back then too, but at least I didn`t understand it and was happy. Now I see and understand it and wish that I could just fall asleep and wake up and everything would be alright again.
Sadly, I can`t. Although I don`t know if "sadly" is the right word here. I know that I`ll be fine, I won`t let myself fall apart, I am too afraid to show my real emotions and feelings to anybody. I guess that this won`t seem a big thing in the end, but right now it is for me and I live in this moment. And this moment is really crappy and I want to cry, but I`ll be fine. I have to be.

currant of the day: feist - the water


  1. hope you feel better. maybe you and your friend are in different places and will come together one day again. sometimes space does indeed bring us closer. the good thing about friends is that it is easy to pick up right where you left off.


  2. Hi Cherie, I'm so sorry that you're going through these rough waters with your friend. Maybe space will heal the wounds and allow you two to talk about things eventually. I only have one, and she's the only person, who I can still feel resentment toward. And the only person who that hurts in the beginning and end of such resentful moments is myself. I hope that you are able to forgive her (whether it's a situation that calls for it or not) and forgive yourself--on the deepest level. And eventually not harbor any resentment about the friendship breaking up (maybe, hopefully! it's just temporary, and you two need space and time to breathe).

  3. I lost one of my closest friends in the last year, and Wednesday was his birthday. It broke my heart that I had no idea what had happened in his life in the last year (with the exception of his regular Facebook updates), but as sad as I was, I also knew that our relationship couldn't be what it had been.

    I completely understand how you're feeling, because I've been there. Sometimes, things don't work out. Hopefully you guys will be able to come back together, but if you don't, I promise you'll be okay.

  4. that picture is so gorgeous. and this post is so amazing.

    i know what you're feeling. i have lost 3 close friends since my freshman year in high school. it's a tough thing. and it doesn't always make sense. you'll be okay. just utilize those around you to help you get through it.

    and let us know if you need anything.

  5. I know that feeling right now actually and I am so sorry to hear about this. As some doors close, others will open. But, I have gone through the same so I know exactly what you mean. I am not sure why it happens either. There is a reason for everything. Crying is good. Just let it out. If it is meant to be you will reconnect. And know that you are not alone. I hope you find peace and joy soon.

  6. i know exactly how your feeling, and i know how much it sucks.
    hopefully you will start to feel better soon
    take care