I think that I`ve reached my lowest point this year. I mean, mentally.
Do you know the feeling when everything`s getting out of control and you can`t help it? Everything you care about is slowly drifting away? That`s the one. And I don`t really know whether it`s me drifting away or my friend (and I don`t think that it really actually even matters), the fact is that I don`t know what or how or when. I don`t know the answer. And now I`m loosing my friend. And I can do nothing about it. I know, I know, this happens everyday to millions of people all over the world, but when you`ve been friends for so long, been through so much together and share so much, it sucks to understand that the grand final is here. Like in a theatre, watching a play. And I`m the one sitting in the front row, watching myself through these years and trying to understand when did everything become such a mess. When and where did the ending start.
I guess we just grew into different ways, made different decisions, chose different things, dreamt different dreams.
I wish I was a kid again. Life was complicated back then too, but at least I didn`t understand it and was happy. Now I see and understand it and wish that I could just fall asleep and wake up and everything would be alright again.
Sadly, I can`t. Although I don`t know if "sadly" is the right word here. I know that I`ll be fine, I won`t let myself fall apart, I am too afraid to show my real emotions and feelings to anybody. I guess that this won`t seem a big thing in the end, but right now it is for me and I live in this moment. And this moment is really crappy and I want to cry, but I`ll be fine. I have to be.
currant of the day: feist - the water